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April 13th, 2008
08:08 pm - Another day, Another update Well i guess it's just time to update again i guess i pretty much do this every sunday night!!
Ok so life has been better and worse. I think i will start with the bad and work to the good!! BAD
Ok so my mother comes into my bedroom thrusday morning to tell me that she has been getting messages since tuesday night from my ex boyfriend calling me a whore and saying i have std's and saying im pregnant and how if i'm not pregnant already i will be soon and shit like that!!
My mother wouldnt even let me look at the messages they were so bad she said they would just upset me!! My poor mother was so embarresed and i was so unbelievably mad>< I mean how fucking dare he say those things about me. Ok i can take been called a whore I have had to listen to it off him before but how dare he get my family involved. I mean where does he fet off? it is the most immature thing i have ever heard of anyone doing he is 18 years old for gods sake!! I can't believe i actually felt sorry for him when we broke upmcause he was so upset. and this is all because i told him i got off with someone else a whole month after we broke up and he thinks that make's me a whore for fuck sake like!! ya know what FUCK HIM if i ever see him again it will take my all not to spit on him!!
Good
Yeah well this is much better for me:):) Well further to my last entry a good bit has changed with that chap Fergal. So anyway i text him firday night and we met up in town and went up to his house! And once we got there well ya know. We did as teenagers are want to do!!! HAhaah he soooooooooo wasnt as shy as last time shy is hardly a word i would have associated with him!! Ahhh it is soooooooo good to have sex again. It had actually been 2 months and a day since i last had sex!!!! ahhhhhhhh thank god. Im pretty sure we will be meeting up again this weekend cause he said he would text me if he is off like so... and oh my god did i tell you how SKINNY he is*drooooooooooooooooooooooool* it was actually so unbelievably hot xxx his ribs are soooo obvious and his hip bones oh my god and his stomach is hollow/concave yea HOLLOW and his collarbones. Oh my god it was sexy!! it is more of a turn on than anything in my young life i have experienced so far. Except for his hip bones though!! Sexy as they are fucking hell they dig into you!!
oh well looking forward to seeing his skinny ass soon and having more extended period of fun(i had to rush off to get a lift home)
There is something so freeing about casual sex(my 1st experience of it just turned 16 so..) it's like i dono..im my own woman and im having good sex but i dont have to talk to him or think about his neurotic emotions or any of that fucking bull shit!!
and it is great motivation for me to be thinner cause i wanna be just a bit thinner every time i see him succesding so far:)
...i feel like i talk about sex the whole time on lj but like it's just because i have no-one else to say it to i guess. I mean all my friends are virgin's includng guyfriends!! they just dont get why i need a man so bad and im not the type to go mouthing my lack of virginity around. I dono if im using or bing used or it is a mutual goodness but i dont give a shit use me if ya want i want sex:):):)
Weight Well weight has been a bit of a rough ride this week. I was down to 128 last monday morning. Then with my bday and all it was like a food festival for 3 days ugh:( and i gained 5 pounds bringing me back up to 133 ugh ugh ugh.
But then i like was really upset with that so i got serious and i did a 3 day fast!! 1st time i have broken day 3 booyeah!!
I lost 7 pounds i am so happy. Im currently 126 which is still flabby but better:):):)
My aim is to be 120 or close enoough by next monday:):) i think its possible anyway!! I am fasting till thursday morning like so thay should be 5-7 pounds..them either continue on or eat 1 day and fast 2 days!! 120lbs=8st 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow can i really be that thin by the end of the week that be amazing!! lets not get our hopes up first though!!
New job Well apparntly lisa the manager is very impressed with me cause im "coinfident with customers" and out going. If only they new how insecure i really am!
I seem to get on with the manager ok we had a chat about our passion for jewllery!!!was good and i get on really well with Sorcha and Maria. Sorcha even sorta invited me to a play if i read the book first! PLus the 30% discount is sweeeeeeeeeettttt!!! And im on my feet all day so it's like major calorie burning without even trying!! i really like my job and im really looking forward to them seeing me shrink soon!!
On another note I think i will actually try and stay away from the laxatives for 2 weeks or maybe even a month i think my body needs time to recover espcially after today..ouch!! just more insentive to be extra strict with my fast!!
love you all hope i didnt bore anyone with a really long post oh well
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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April 6th, 2008
08:14 pm Ok well time for an update on my life:0 a good one for once woohoo!
ok well kevin got out of the psychiatric hospital later. Thank god! That place has such a bad bad name i know for a fact that sexual abuse, inappropriate treatment and lots of other shit has happened there so im thrilled he is out. I know i have ony known him a few months but i really dont want him to do anything stupid to himself he is really sound like!
Ah well he went to his brother in law's last night with his borther to cheer him up and such and he was texting lisa(his gf and my friend obv) and he said that his twin brother fergal said"i would" about me..for those for you not aware of the meanings of irish/wexford slang this means he wants to do me!!:):):):)
Anyway yeah me and lisa went up to his house today and them to were hanging out and me and Fergal were hanging out but like anyway eventually he made his move when we was finally alone and ya know we was doing what ya do!!
not enought though>< I was like waiting for him to ya know..go down my pants and he didnt awww cute but frustrating! i havent had sex in almost 2 months but i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllly want to and at least get some things to pacify me in the mean time!
I had to put his hand on my fliiping boobs!! they are there to be used so please use them darling!!:):):)
anyway i had to leave to get a lift home haha he had some mother fucking gigantic love bites on his neck!!
Oh did i mention he is like STICK THIN!! pretty sexy oh and a big bottom lip HOT AS HELL TO ME!!
you know whats faboulous i am totally not into him! i want have sex wiht him but i couldnt be further from interested to being with him like lol! I love lack of commitments!!
Anyway im rambling the meaning for this post is that this is giving me some perrrtttttty great motivation to lose weight!! mwhahahaah
I want to be below 126 the next time he see's me mwhahahahah i wanted some of my nana's delicious tarts but i thought of being naked and fat with him and i threw it out and put bleach on it to be extra safe
so im feeling good reallly wanna keep this liquid fasting going till tuesday
But i kinda have to my bday is on wed and me and my freinds pretty much have a gigantic binge fest planned!! But i have allowed for that:)
I will just fast the next day and it should be fine after all i deserve to enjoy myself on my 16th bday dont i??
ANyway love you all xxx lets hope next time i post i have some fun times to post about*wink wink*
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April 3rd, 2008
08:53 pm ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly UGLY
thats what i am and thats what im always gonna be i dont wanna talk about what i just did ugh im a failure!! im thinking 3 day liquid fast and this time to fucking up day 3!!
ffffffffffffffaaaaaaaat fat fat
im half contemplating going back to my counciller and spilling my guts out i dont wanna stop doing waht im doing(other than binging) but i dont wannan feel like this no more
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12:21 pm my life in bright eyes lyrics
If you walk away I walk away first tell me which road you will take I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday so you walk that way I'll walk this way
and the future hangs over our heads and it moves with each current event until it falls all around like a cold steady rain just stay in when it's lookin' this way
and the moon's laying low in the sky forcing everything metal to shine and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"
and laura's asleep in my bed as I'm leaving she wakes up and says "I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave baby don't go away, come here"
and there's kids playing guns in the street and one's pointing his tree branch at me So I put my hands up I say: "Enough is enough, If you walk away I walk away." (and he shot me dead)
I found a liquid cure for my landlocked blues it will pass away like a slow parade it's leaving but I don't know how soon
and the world's got me dizzy again you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin and it only feels worse when I stay in one place so I'm always pacing around or walking away I keep drinking the ink from my pen and I'm balancing history books up on my head but it all boils down to one quotable phrase "If you love something give it away" A good woman will pick you apart a box full of suggestions for your possible heart But you may be offended, and you may be afraid but don't walk away, don't walk away
We made love on the living room floor with the noise in the background from a televised war And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say "If we walk away,they’ll walk away" But greed is a bottomless pit And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss And the whole world must watch the sad comic display If you're still free start runnin' away 'cause we're comin' for ya!
I've grown tired of holding this pose I feel more like a stranger each time I come home So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame Sayin' let me walk away, please You'll be free child once you have died from the shackles of language and measurable time And then we can trade places, play musical graves till then walk away walk away walk away walk away So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes I just want to make a clean escape I'm leaving but I don't know where to I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to
>> Download "Bright Eyes" Music <<ahhhh i feel so bad. He was laura and i was/am walking away i hate that i broke his heart i hate that i hurt him i hate that i continue to hurt him i hate that i couldnt make myself love him i hate that i have made him lonely i hate that i still love him but i can never be in love with him ever again i just keep walking away!
Just like me if i cant do it i walk away I've grown tired of holding this pose I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
"If you love something give it away"
so true!!!
Current Mood: contemplative
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April 1st, 2008
08:40 pm ugh i just wrote a massively long post that got deleted balH:( oh well time to start over
update of my life so far: well today anyway
had a good day im fasting to that helps my mood! Me and my friends lisa were collecting for the irish kidney assocation for most of the day. Her bf came down and we acually had a good convo about poetry. Its nice to talk to someone who actually likes poetry.(im not a poetry buff by any means i just think its is a wonderful form of expression) But yeah we talked about yeats, plath, robert frost, kavanagh, seamus heany elizabith bishop.. most of them are irish haha im so bias!! i think that kinda gave me some credit with kevin I know it shouldnt matter to me what other people think about me buti it does it matters SSOOOOOOOO MUCH
I had a really good chat to my friend lisa today about her parents etc. She is having a tough time of it at the moment her dad jus toutta rehab and her parents are pretty much passing time till they split up but her dad has an anger pronlem. He doesnt hit them but their all afraid its the next step. I think lisa kinda likes what i have to say because im pretty realistic and i dont always say it will be all ok and they will work it out!! as if like. I really like that she listens to my advice. It means something to me! I cant be THAT thick if people can actually take my advice!!
My friend eva is really annoying me latley. She is being such a bitch she had a massive fight with jo on the school your she told the guy i fancy that i fancy him after i specifically said i didnt want him to know and she told my friend becky's bf about the guy that tried to get off with her causing major probs with her bf.. fighting alot and sucH!!
I dono i just dont wanna be near her but i cant ditch her.I did that to another friend at the start if the year because she was spreading rumours about us all so i pretty much told her to go fuck herself as did the others but im starting to think maybe im the problem not other people i know they are both being bitchs to all of us not just me but maybe i make people insane. I just wish eva would grow up!!!!!!!!!
Everything seems to be slowly changing. Im falling out with more friends i just dont have the time for their stupidty no more i fell like im semi drifting apart form my best female freind becky i dono i feel like the group is getting smaller and smaller and everything is changing i want everything to change but i dont wanna be lonely ya know?? i cant explain my..unease about these cahnges its just.. unease anyone else every felt like this????
On a happy note its pretty much for definate that in going to CUBA in august we just have to set a date(im bringing a friend and so is my mother so we have to set a date that suits everyone)
i cannot wait i gotta be thin my then
thin thin thin
love you all xxxxx or anyone who is reading!! stay strong and starve on love dreamseer09 xxx
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March 26th, 2008
March 24th, 2008
07:15 pm so i havent posted in my journal in a good while well here is the dealio
so after alot of to-ing and fro-ing i have finally decided to properly split with my bf. The final goodbye was sat. It was pretty damn hard to do.We had already broken up but i had to give him some stuff back and say goodbye properly. Its hard after 16 months hmmm.
he wants me to come to his bday party on the 12th or something. The day i start working at my new job i have a feeling that could end in sorta..break up sex. I dont think im opposed to that really. I dont know i will see how over the whole thing i am by then.
Well if i dont have sex by april 12th i will fucking do anyone!
my friends tried to convince me that her bf's friend pj fancied me. We were supposed to hang out on sat guess what? he didnt show up because he doesnt want a girl right now yeah right YOUR FAT AND UGLY WHO WOULD WANT YOU FATTY.
Apprently eddy or some one is having a party in like 2 weeks time. Im trying to lose 10 pounds by that party. So maybe johnny will notice me. Or fuck it anyone i want sex foreplay anything im desperate.!! nah foreplay is boring i want SEX ahhh
i REALLY want johnny to notice me i have such an unbelievable infactuation with him.!! he is so sexy and his ribs are so pretty they just stick out and you can count them*drool*
but i hear that he doesnt go out with fat girls so i might as well forget it they cuteist thing is he is a big old virgin.. somthing very very hot about that!
So i seem to be stuck at 132 again. Blah!! I wanna be in the 120's by the end of then week 129 would do.
Im still getting pretty bad hunger pangs since like paris so trying to get over them.
I dont wanna fast so i have to keep it to 300cals and try to lose
havent done any excerssie today..blah im on my period and im fucking moddy as hell cause im never gonna get a man ever again!!
ok i will shut up now cause im stupid and i feel pretty BLAH!!
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March 20th, 2008
08:29 pm i forgot how deep and what big dents a brand new razor makes in your flesh! its truly magnificent i didnt even want to cut just felt guilty that i hadnt done it in a while but truly magnificent!!
looking forward to tomorrow i have my meal all planned out bowl of weetabix(with water or hopefully soya milk) 1 green apple 1 grapefuit should leave me just under 300cals
and then back into a consistent excerssie regime that is do-able
right now im 133lbs thats 9st 7 which is 60kg ugh
i really wanna be 123 by april 12th
i was gonna try and stasy away from the old laxatives but i think i really will need them now... maybe this weekend
gosh i need to make a list in my brand new note book and update my thinspo
ahh i feel so serene and calm now this is the feeling i love just like fasting
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March 14th, 2008
06:05 pm
What is fibre?Fibre is made up of a number of complex carbohydrates. There are two types of fibre: soluble and insoluble. There are no calories, vitamins or minerals in fibre and it is not digested when we eat it. Where is it found?Fibre is only found in the cell walls of plants. Foods such as meat, fish and dairy products contain no fibre at all. What does fibre do?Fibre is essential for healthy bowel function. When fibre passes through the bowel it absorbs a lot of water, so it increases the bulk of the waste matter. This also makes the waste softer and increases the speed and ease with which it passes through the bowel. Why is fibre important?A diet rich in fibre has many health benefits. It reduces the risk of a number of bowel problems - some of them quite serious. These include constipation, haemorrhoids (piles), diverticular disease and cancer of the colon or large bowel. In addition, soluble fibre helps to stabilise blood sugar levels because it slows down the rate at which glucose is absorbed into the blood stream. It also helps to lower blood cholesterol levels, which is important for reducing the risk of heart disease. Furthermore the feeling of fullness which fibre produces can help people who are trying to lose weight to control their appetite. How much fibre should we eat?In the UK most people eat far too little fibre, on average about 12 grams a day or less. Ideally, adults should aim for an intake of around 18 grams a day, or even a little more. Eating more than 32 grams of fibre a day do not offer any additional health benefits. A word of caution: if you would like to increase your fibre intake from a relatively low level, it is best to do it gradually. This is because a sudden increase may produce wind, bloating and stomach cramps - which can be rather uncomfortable for a little while. A gradual increase will avoid this problem. What foods contain fibre?All plant-based foods will contain fibre. Some more so than others. Good sources of fibre are fruit, vegetables, wholegrain rice and pasta, wholemeal bread, many breakfast cereals, nuts, seeds and bran. Particularly good sources of soluble fibre are fruit, vegetables, beans and oats.
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05:53 pm Q I’ve noticed a lot of foods contain hydrogenated fat. Is this bad for my diet? A As you’ve already discovered, many processed foods contain hydrogenated fat or hydrogenated vegetable oil and these ingredients certainly contribute to the calorie content of a food, often making it unsuitable if you’re trying to lose weight. But worse than this, foods containing these ingredients also contain trans fats – and these are thought to be as harmful to heart health as saturated fat. Ironically, it’s the processing of pure vegetable oils – a good source of heart-friendly unsaturates – that creates harmful trans fats! During manufacturing, these liquid oils have hydrogen bubbled through them in a process called hydrogenation to improve their texture, flavour and shelf life. The resulting product is a more solid fat, called hydrogenated fat or hydrogenated vegetable oil, which goes on to be used as an ingredient in many processed foods. Unfortunately, there are no legal requirements for food manufacturers to label trans fats and few choose to do so. This means for now, you need to scour ingredients lists for hydrogenated fats or hydrogenated vegetable oils. If a food product contains either, it will almost certainly contain trans fats, too – and the higher up the list the ingredient appears, the more trans fats the product will contain. In general though, trans fats are found in cakes, biscuits, margarines, takeaways, pastry, pies and fried foods – and as you know, these are the foods you should be eating less of anyway if you want to lose weight!
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04:26 pm Oh Damn .. Im A Post Whore But In School Today I Was So Bored So I Wrote Some Poems (How Gay)
" I Want To Be Nothing I Want To Be Pure I Dont Want To Be Thin I Want To Be So Much More"
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"Your Going Pale Noone Cares] Ignore The Looks Ignore The Stares. Just Look Down Enjoy The Pain Just Get Thin, Cos' This Is In"
Anyone Like .. Oh God What Bordem Brings ! Hahaha xxx
compliments of ezibabix..sorry if i mis spelled im terrible with that sorta stuff love xxxx
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12:05 am 
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March 13th, 2008
11:29 pm 
aliceeyes is so right to look like her would be complete happiness
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March 12th, 2008
06:57 pm ok well i have alot of things to say but i dont really think anyone will care because there my stupid ramblings..
i will start chronologically because evrything needs to be in chronological order or its jsut not right!!>< the other night i dreamt i had sex with my best friends ex boyfriend. The weird thing is that ex is a gay man. So like wtf was that about i mena i know he is a piece of ass but he is gayer than xmas at elton johns house. And i have never had sexual feelings for him because he is gay and my best friend had him. I cant stop thinking about that dream which is even more strange. Maybe its cuse he is so good in my dream sack:)
My eating at the funeral was pretty atrocious. sunday i consumed cereal at like 12 at night not good monday i had 3 west coast coolers and a bubblegum tuesday i had a fruit salad, a fruit crumble, 3 apple drops and about 4 west coast coolers. and i losea pound. Wtf how the hell did that happen? Makes no sense. Oh well better shut up and stop complaining.
you know i tred to write last night. Properly write in my journal. I got as far as writing about my bf (ex?) and then i tried to write about ana and all things associated. But i simply couldnt. The thoughts of my mother reading through it and fiding out and stripping me of security again. Its a shame really. I love writing with all my heart. Its a big part of me but i simply cant do it anymore its not safe. Im kinda annoyed that she took that away from me but i dont blame her anymore. I guess when your daughter is sucidal and self harming you have a sort of right. Oh well i will never make the mistake again of people knowing im suscidal.I really wanna right again but i cant not really. I need to feel the pen in my hand the emotion in my words the thrill of the gush of wonderful wonderful words. Hmmm
Lately i have been feeling ..blah. Blank vacant not there. Thigs arent bad there just not good. Dull i guess. I dont really know what to do about this. In a way i know that unhappiness makes me thin and i also know that deprssion makes me do fucked up shit andi dont want that but if it cam helo make me thin then why fight it. What a stupid argument. Its so riduclious but i cant stop thinking it.
Well whats else is going on i dono. My ex boyfriend i guess. We almost got back together last night then i realised i actaully dont want him back. I just want sex i think sex and security. But tis too late now i went to far last night i cant go back. I cant destroy him part 2 now can i?? Hmmm
my best friend asked me up to college after the funeral. Its rag week aka getting plastered every night under the cover of fundrasing. Ah the irish ant excuse to drink. And i was really excited. College + alcohol+me= sex:) and in a way it was supposed to help me sort out ex stuff. Then that night i got thinking of wat i would wear. I realised i couldnt ear ling sleeves. Then i was like shir my arms are HUGE. I cant do it not like this. So i chickened out and once again i missed out on a great few days with my friend because im too fat.
Sometimes i feel like life is just passing by me.I just want everything to just STOP so i an make a list and sort everything out. Fix me. I wonder doesn anyone else feel like this? Buit life doesnt work like that. My best friends. ..1 is in college and having a grreat time and has a bulimic bf and who i so wanna reach out and talk to..no.2 has a new bf and i hardly ever see her and i just realised recently that i dont really have friends. I do but i dont like them or cant stand them or dont see them ..... i guess i a tiny bit lonely right now.. but its not loneliness like now so thats ok for now. everyone seems to be moving on. Getting a ;ife going out, drinming getting laid. I feel like im STUCK. Stuck in a really BORING place. I just want everything to stop soi can lose weight and catch up to everyone. hmmm sigh!!
i think i ealised that i didnt actually love my grandad. I didnt know him so how could i love him 1 thing that really annoyed me about the funeral was ME. i CRIED, only once and briefly but someonme noticed and thats not good. I wasnt crying about grandad more about my best friend being upset(he had to carry the coffin and i think it upset him) i DESPISE that i cried. Its so fucking WEAK. Only fat girls cry. Fat girls who are being called fat by thin girls. SO i guess that makes me fat. I HATE crying.
anyway i was reading another book about ana and jo the girl in it always wrote lists. I think its a great idea and im gonna start doing it so here is my list for today:
Lost 10 pounds by my bday weigh my magazines
weigh in clean room top to toe do an hours excersise run up and down the stairs 20 times sort out eating (half way there) buy a list notebook finish my thinspo wall
so thats my list for today...... maybe i will finish the rest later...
so right now i weigh 131 ugh how fat..
anyway thats my life in all its boredom
i have come to the conclusion that im worthless...
sorry to be so emo but its all i can think of... xxx
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March 8th, 2008
10:37 am ok so right now i am 9st 6 iufidshfkjsehtohlkdnf thats disgusting really disgusting
ok so if i take my laxatives tonight and it works like last weekend i should be down to 9st 2 by sunday afternoon ish.. and im fasting today so i might just reack 9st,,maybe 9st 1..
sunday will depend on my granny if she is visitong or not if she is i will just have the usual(peas and carrots leave meat and carbs) so if thats like 200-3oo max then if i go for me walk and so some jogging i should burn it off easy lets hope i have energy
ok then it is strictly cucumber diet fr 5 days whoch should be fine because im have done 10 days before 5 days is nothing havent really a clue how much i will lose on that but if i work out like a cray whore.. 4 pounds maybe...
i dono i hope so
i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllly want to be at least 8st 10 for paris i need this to get through this trip
i really do.. its not a big diffrernce but at least i wont be in the revoulting 9st somethings..ugh
please let me do this right i NEED to do this right
now to the small matter of my (ex?) bf he wants my answer to getting back with him today and i dont really have it im kinda thinking yes but i dont really know ahhhhh DECISONS
oh did i tell you all i might be going to CUBA motivation or what nothing is set in stone yet but fingers crossed
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March 6th, 2008
09:40 pm thin list (borrowed from anasfallenstar)thanks honey
- Buying that form-fitting piece of lingerie you thought you'd never be able to wear.
- Wearing a bikini with confidence as you strut your stuff down on the beach or by the pool.
- Not waiting for that cute guy at the gym to ask you out, and instead making the first move yourself! Men love a confident women.
- Wearing low-rise jeans that show off your tight midsection.
- Not buying baggy clothes.
- Knowing you're sexy without anyone having to tell you.
- Not asking, "do I look fat in this?"
- Wearing shorts in the summertime - and not just because it's hot out!
- Having people ask you how you got your body.
- Getting revenge on your ex by looking better than you did when you were together, and way better than the girl he's with now.
- Wearing a crop top at the gym to show off your abs.
- Turning the lights on...in bed!
- Posing for pictures anywhere, anytime, wearing anything.
- Turning men's heads as they try to get a second look at you.
- Not covering up with a pillow when sitting on the couch.
- Wearing a strapless dress to a formal function.
- Not caring about what the scale says because you know you look great!
- Looking at yourself in a full-length mirror and loving the whole package.
- Becoming the girl that others compare themselves to.
- Looking and feeling better than you ever have before!
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March 4th, 2008
07:53 pm fat and ugly
THAT is the sum total of my personality my looks my acheivments my happiness
FAT & UGLY
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March 2nd, 2008
08:41 pm i broke up with my bf of 16 months and a day last night feel like a completle shit ass bitch
i dont even believe he tried to kill himself just hurt me/or try to get me back
i fell like complete crap with a capitial c.. i feel kinda lonely kinda depressed kinda everything shit i ended up cutting again last night it felt SO SO SO SO good i dont even know what this means
anyway to the inportant stuff i took a bottle of laxatives last night and according to my scales i crapped out 4 pounds:) hope i can keep it off..
hey can you gain back weight after using laxatives my drinking a shit load of water??
my scales are messed up 1 says im 127 1 says im like 131-133.. ugh i need accuaracy god dammit
liguid fasting till 14th
i dont even know how i feel about anything i want a hug off my best friend but i wont see her till next week probbab;y i want ana to hold me in her fragile arms and mould me in her shape
i feel lonely but i dont think i wannna get back wiht him oh my good does everything on tv have to do with couples and things that remind me of him
ahhh you know what i feel like just losing 10-15 pounds buying some slutty clothes and fucking some reandom guys
ugh i no how much being a whore destoys me but ther is something about losing your fucking mind in shit sexual pleasure(if it even qualifiys as pleasure) that just numbs me i feel like being a whore and making this ugly body even more hideous inside and out but i cant do that to him i cant be a whore it would kill him ahhhhhhhhhhh
i feel like shit


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March 1st, 2008
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